So Betsy’s newfangled fancy-pants cellphone (Motorola RAZR) went on the fritz about 3 weeks before the warranty ran out. Normally I handle the support phone calls. Side note – I used to think this was because I speak “tech”, but since the people I end up talking to don’t speak tech I’ve come to the realization that Betsy just doesn’t like talking to them and has hypnotized me with her feminine charms so I preen and strut and suffer hours on the phone so I can be her geeky peacock. Anyway, Betsy had to place this support call herself.

In our splendidly diverse and multicultural society, one of the first things you hear when connected to any 1-800 customer support number is “Press one for english” – usually followed by “Marque el ocho para español” although I don’t know why 8 is better than 2 for spanish speakers.

After pressing 1, the next thing you hear is a person with a thick accent introducing himself. No, not a Boston accent or a Texas accent or a Wisconsin accent. A decidedly south-middle-eastern voice, sort of sing-songy with equal emphasis on every syllable: “Allo. Tank yoo fehr calling moh-toh-roh-lah soo-port. My nayem ees Bob.”

So here’s non-tech-support Betsy talking to non-clear-english Bob and after 15 minutes of non-communication she does what any sensible person should. She gets in the car and drives down to the local brick-and-mortar storefront of the company involved. Twenty minutes later, her phone is on it’s way to China and she has a subtitute rental phone about the size of a pack of Trident gum. Way to go Betsy!

The moral of the story is – when we “press one for english” we’re not indicating a requirement that we be connected to someone who speaks clear english. Instead we’re alerting the customer support team that we speak english, and they can do what they will with that information . It’s a fine point that the information we believe we are sending is not always exactly the information being received.